Sort of a strange weekend filled with skeletons falling wildly out of old closets, lessons being learned and movies. I sat and watched "Eat, Pray, Love" last night alone and I really enjoyed it. Elizabeth Gilbert made that trip happen. She lived it by letting herself go and just moving on. Could I actually pull that off? I am not so sure, but I would love to try. I long to just go. I long to run and escape and just move on. Anybody want to go on a cheap journey to Hawaii to just watch the sea and write words? They have amazing food, the friendliest folks that I have met anywhere and a unique spirit that I just a want one drop of in my blood. I need to go soon. I need to just go. ***The photo here was taken by a friend named Adrian Mendoza. The girls and I are standing on the corner of 11th and J Streets in downtown, Modesto, California. This is one of the only places that I have been where I can stand and not feel anything at all but pure peace. I call it a "sigh of release place." There are only a few of these places that I have ever been that make me feel this hopeful, alive and free. Follow along. We will be finding more of these places and re-visiting the others. Thank you so much for tagging along on my journey.
08/17/2010-
I have been asked to expand on this entry a bit and I believe that I am at the point in my crazy life that I am comfortable doing that. Someone wants to know what I would do if I was essentially Elizabeth Gilbert. First, I would probably get comfortable with being a woman. That might be easier based on the fact that the liver inside of me once belonged to a woman.
Seriously, I would love to just go. I would make my way back to a couple of places that I have been before because they touched me in ways that it is hard for me to explain. These places made me feel alive and free and more than anything, they made me realize that my past, my problems and my illnesses are just tiny little things in comparison to what is really out there.
My first stop would be the main church in Mexico City. I would give anything to just stand there again and let go of myself. I am not a religious man, but that place is magic. There could be a sign out front that says something like, "Look, you have no idea what this guy went through to die for your sins. No matter how unloved you feel, know that he loves you. He lives here. Thanks for visiting."
While I was in Mexico City, I would have to buck doctor's orders just a bit and find a street corner stand that sells pork tacos with pineapple and hot dogs wrapped in bacon. These foods are nasty, greasy, high in calories and simply delicious. There is something special about knowing that I am eating something that my father and his father would totally get lost in.
My second stop on my journey would be back to the shores of The Big Island of Hawaii. I would stand in the place where I watched my oldest daughter lose her inhibitions for the first time in her life as she jumped from a cliff into the sea below. I would sit and pray for her and hope to God that she remains never afraid to jump. There are times when I have been afraid to jump. I don't want to be afraid anymore. While I sat there I would devour a few malasadas from a local bakery. They are my daughter's favorite dessert in the world and a special treat that we will always share together.
The final stop on my dream journey would be to a place that I do not know the address to yet. I would find the folks that lost their daughter to a tragic accident that changed my life forever. I would look at these strangers and say whatever I could manage to say through tear-filled eyes and quivering lips. I would say thank you and explain that her first new year did not go all that smoothly but that year number two is happily churning along in the right direction. I would explain to them that she is ok with me and that together, we will have a long, long life. I would tell them from the bottom of my heart that I credit them for every chance that I get to see my own little girls.
I am sitting in a library right now listening to old Janis Joplin tunes and crying like a baby. People might think that I am crazy. That is fine with me. I am alive. I am strong. I am focused. Today counts.
"Ruben Porras and Daughters" Copyright 2010, Adrian Mendoza
